Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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