3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
