My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
