Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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