Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
