Sry I called you an 8
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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