Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
