ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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