im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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