Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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