all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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