I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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