did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
