my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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