Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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