I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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