dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
