I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
