If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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