I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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