I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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