I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
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I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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