You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
