Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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