I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
