the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
17 Guys Share When Their Parents Found Their Porn Stash
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?