I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.