Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
COCAINE IS GR8
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
