You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
