I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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