morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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