cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She needs sedatives and a leash
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
