I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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