I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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