i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
