His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
