you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
