I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
