Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
