I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
