you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
