Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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