I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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