if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
