i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
