Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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