My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
