I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
