he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
