my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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