As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
