i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
