i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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