Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
