Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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