the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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