shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
