Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Everclear isn't food dammit
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
