I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Also, beer. Big fan.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
